I want my own time

Mom has gone through the 10 sessions of acupuncture already but don't seems to have a big change. Mom is still weak and hardly talk or smile. I really miss her smiley face where she can smile of anything. But now she doesn't wanna talk even though we ask her many questions and don't want to laugh even though we tried hard to make her laugh.

I felt there is something inside her, maybe she felt discomfort, maybe she felt she is a burden to us, maybe she is not happy, maybe she felt giving up. I just felt it when i look into her eyes and face. I always asked her how she felt thinking of digging something out from her but she never reply. I felt very sad looking at her helpless reaction and i can't do anything.

During this period, I guess my patience has really improved but also scared I can't hold long. My brother, sister and dad became quite fast temper and demanding. I felt tired to response to them sometimes and rather keep silent. I can be patience whenever they demand me to do things. I can be patience when my sis treat mom not as soft as me because everyone has their own style. I can be patience when they don't talk positive words in front of mom (like saying bringing mom to nursing home/old folks). Because i have no more strength to entertain nor expressing my feeling to them. All I want is to spend my time with mom and see her improvement. I do not want to care what they say but just going with the flow. I'm so tired.

Work don't seem smooth to me also and I guess I have disappoint my boss when I don't meet the deadlines. I don't know why i feel very demotivated to do anything. I just want to be quiet. But on the other hand, I'm very glad that I'm a child of God. He is the only one that I can depend and feel loved. He gives me encouragement to live on, he gives me church member to care for me and pray for my parents and family members. Without God, I guess I have give up this family long time ago.

I'm back again...

It has been more than half a year not blogging. Lazy..is one of the reasons. But I chose to come back as i have something to let it out.

Mom had a stroke 3 weeks ago. This time the striking is quite significant as her left side is so weak. She can't stand on her own and can't walk. She was admitted for a week and during that time is pretty tough for us. We took turns to take leave and take care of her even after she discharged. Thank God both my sis able to come back from spore for few days to take care of mum so that we can go to work. We knew this gonna be continuous for a few months unless we manage to hire a care giver to look after mom. With the current help of my dad and the maid is not enough. Since mom can't move, we need 3 person to carry her.

Because of mom's situation, I have changed a lot. I've changed to be more patient because mom now is very slow motion. She need to eat very liquid stuff cuz she can't chew and so we have to make sure we cut all the food as thin as possible. I bought cook book and learn how to cook. I understand everyone is not really in a good mood and stress for work and mom. So I learn to cook for the family when i'm on leave. I've changed to explore more on stroke article and physio exercise in the net. My relationship with 2nd elder sister has improved. We talked a lot and share the responsibility together since it is only 2 girls at home. I took the initiative to drive her out to supermarket/market to buy some stuff. Brother has became very long winded and easy to raise up his temper when something we did not right to mom. I have learnt not to challenge back and not to comment anything but to listen and obey. Cuz I don't want to create any quarrel and unhappy moment.

Actually each and everyone of us had the same objective, is to see mom recover. Just that each of us treating mom differently. There is no need to raise up the temper to any of the family members. There is no need to compare who did more and who did less. Everyone have enough of stress and worried already. Why can't we have a better tone to talk to each other?